Thought of the Day - Understanding

Thought of the Day - Understanding

We always try hard to understand someone or something. We feel that perhaps we are doing them an injustice and that their cause deserves more careful consideration. But that is largely because we cannot quite believe what we appear to be seeing or hearing. By all means seek an explanation. The more we find out, the wiser we become - and wisdom is one of the keys to happiness. But bear in mind that some factors in all our lives are beyond understanding. We need to just get it and accept it and not try to understand everything. Sometimes, the wisest thing to do is to leave them as mysteries. 

Joke Of The Day - Knock Knock

Joke Of The Day - Knock Knock

Two astronauts were in a space ship circling high above the earth. One had to go on a space walk while the other stayed inside.

When the space walker tried to get back inside the space ship, he discovered that the cabin door was locked, so he knocked. There was no answer.

He knocked again, louder this time. There was still no answer.

Finally, he hammered at the door as hard as he could and heard a voice from inside the space ship saying, "Who’s there?"

More Astronaut Jokes on GuyLife

Thought Of The Day - Go With or Against the Flow

Thought Of The Day - Go With or Against the Flow

As humans, we know that it's much easier to swim with the tide than against it. When we go with the flow, the current carries us faster and farther, and with little effort on our part. All we really have to do is remember to breathe and to relax and enjoy the ride. But when we swim against the tide, we are in for a struggle. We may swallow a few gulps of water. We will certainly become exhausted. And we may get hit in the face with a wave a few times. It always easier  to go along with something when we feel we're being cornered into. But ultimately the better destination is the one we'll have to fight for. Satisfaction guaranteed!!

Joke Of The Day - Tight Skirts

Joke Of The Day - Tight Skirts

A woman tried to board a bus but her skirt was so tight that she couldn't make the step up.

So she reached behind her, lowered her zip and tried again. Still the skirt was too tight. So again she reached behind her, lowered her zip a little more and tried to negotiate the step. But still the skirt was too tight.

Determined to catch this bus, she once more reached behind her, lowered the zip a little and attempted to climb aboard. Then suddenly she felt two hands on her butt, helping her on to the bus.

She turned around angrily and told the man behind her: "Sir, I don't know you well enough for you to behave in such a manner."

The man replied: "Lady, I don't know you well enough for you to unzip my fly three times either!"

more Jokes on Fashion on GuyLife

Thought Of The Day - Unthinkable

Thought Of The Day - Unthinkable

How do you know when you've gone far enough? How far is too far? When should barriers be put in place? Questions of this kind are often much easier to answer in theory than in practice. When you're in the middle of a drama... or a dream... there's not just a temptation to keep going; there's almost a sense that anything else is unthinkable. But we specialise in thinking the unthinkable! Sometimes, when you think it, you see it's not so far- fetched after all! 

Joke Of The Day - Medical test Mix Up

Joke Of The Day - Medical test Mix Up

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.

The lab tech tells him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that news is either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's disease and the other for herpes. We can't tell which one is your wife."

"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" asked Mr. Smith.

"Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?" he asked.

"The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."

courtesy AskMen

Thought Of The Day - Heaven or Hell on Earth

Thought Of The Day - Heaven or Hell on Earth

Heaven, many people believe, is a place on Earth. Hell, as we all know from experience, most definitely exists on this planet. We don't have to go anywhere else for it. No descent into any sulphurous inferno could equal the agony felt by some people right here in this world from time to time. Which of the two realms do we want to live in? And do we get a choice? Don't worry about the judgement of some lofty power. It is our own judgement that will lead us to one place or the other. We only need to use ours wisely.

Joke of The Day - The Japanese Banking Crisis

Joke of The Day - The Japanese Banking Crisis

According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of ameliorating. If anything, it's getting worse.

Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches.

Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it!) going for a song.

Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop.

Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.

More Jokes on Banks on GuyLife

Thought Of The Day - New Spark or Fan the Flames

Thought Of The Day - New Spark or Fan the Flames

In front of you, a small fire is starting to take light. Nearby, you can see a set of bellows. You are sorely tempted to fan those flames. But is this wise? It may be easier to intensify an existing blaze, but wouldn't it be more rewarding to gather fresh fuel and strike up a new spark? Be careful what (and who) you now bless with your encouragement, for you may long have to live with the consequences. Neither do whatever is the most convenient, nor feel that you are obliged to stick with what is most difficult. Just choose well.

Joke Of The Day - If the Shoe Fits ...

Joke Of The Day - If the Shoe Fits ... 

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed.

"If I do 200 mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.

"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.

And as he got up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.

Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.

"Go and get help!" he cried.

"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"

"Take my shoe", he said: "and cover yourself."

Holding the shoe over her private parts, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do... he's in too far."

courtesy AskMen

Thought of The Day - Risk Avoidance

Thought of The Day - Risk Avoidance

Risk avoidance can be a risky business! When we try too hard to keep trouble at bay, we effectively create trouble for ourselves. Even if we could create a sanitised world without danger of any kind, we might not enjoy living in it. We would soon become depressed and dispirited. Every so often, we all need the rush of adrenaline that only a true challenge can provide. With this in mind, let's look again at the wisdom (or otherwise) of our strategy. We need to consider what is sensible but  must also do what is sincere.

Joke Of The Day - Three Kinds

Joke Of The Day - Three Kinds

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they're like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they're like onions."

"Onions?" asks the boy.

"Yes," says the father, "you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriates his wife and daughter. In a snarky voice, the daughter asks, "Mom, how many kinds of willies are there?"

The mother smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but still reliable. After his fifties, it's like an old Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?" the daughter asks.

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

courtesy Ask Men

Thought Of The Day - Remote Control

Thought Of The Day - Remote Control

The remote control is in your hand. If you don't like the channel you are watching, flick over to another one. That little battery-powered infrared device has changed the lives of millions since it was first invented. Although, sadly, it does not grant us the power to choose which shows the TV stations broadcast. Some options simply are not open to us, but there are, nonetheless, a surprisingly large number of alternatives at our disposal. We need not feel that we are stuck with anything that we cannot escape.

Joke Of The Day - The Drug Dealers

Joke Of The Day - The Drug Dealers

Two drug dealers are arrested and appear before a judge for trial. Both men are convicted, but the judge agrees to suspend their sentences, if as a community service, they agree to speak to youngsters and successfully steer them away from drugs.

They both accept this and report back to the judge one week later.

The judge asks the first man, "How successful were you getting kids off drugs?"

The first man replies, "I did very well. I stopped 36 kids from doing drugs, your honour!"
asshole
"That's great," replied the judge, "How did you manage to do that?"

"Well," replied the first man, "I drew two circles, one big and one little. I pointed to the big one and said, 'this is your brain before drugs!' then I pointed to the little one and said, 'This is your brain after drugs'"

"Well," said the judge, "It's simple but effective!"

The judge then asks the second man how he did.

The second man says, "I got 100 kids off drugs, your honour!"

"Really?" said the judge, "That is amazing, how did you do it?"

"Well," said the second guy, "I drew two circles, just like he did but I pointed at the small circle first and said, 'This is your a**hole before you go into prison...'"

more crime jokes on GuyLife

Thought of the Day - Symbiotic Relationship

Thought of the Day - Symbiotic Relationship

There's a symbiotic relationship between order and chaos, just as there is a close connection between pain and pleasure. Love and hate are two sides of one coin. Success and failure? Joined at the hip. Honesty and deceit? Twins since birth! Strength and weakness? World's top double act! Hell and heaven? You get the point, right!  Do consider now, whether your powerful reaction to something or someone could simply be a reminder of your own need to redress an inner imbalance?

Joke Of The Day - Poetry Contest on Timbuktu

Joke Of The Day - Poetry Contest on Timbuktu

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two; a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu."

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

"Slowly across the desert sand

Trekked a lonely caravan;

Men on camels, two by two

Destination Timbuktu."

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

"Me and Tim a huntin' went.

Met three chicks in a pop up tent.

They was three, and we was two,

So I bucked one, and Timbuktu."

Courtesy AskMen

Thought Of The Day - Open & Receptive

Thought Of The Day - Open & Receptive

You've been aggressively pursuing an opportunity or a change in your life. You've been quite ambitious in your quest. You've knocked on all the doors and chased all the possibilities. And yet you probably still feel like you're right back where you started. Have you considered that you may be trying too hard? Maybe the realization of your goal is easier than you think. Maybe it's just waiting for you to recognize it. But you've been so busy out searching for shooting stars that you've missed the one that's trying to land in your lap. Be more open and receptive to a new idea - it could be the one that gives you what you want and need.

Joke of The Day - Speedy Scooter

Joke of The Day - Speedy Scooter

A man in a Porsche 911 stops at a stoplight and a guy on a scooter pulls up next to him. The guy on the scooter leans over and takes an admiring look at the inside of the Porsche and tells the driver that he has a really hot car.

Well, the light turned green so the driver of the Porsche decides to show off and peels out and leaves the guy on the scooter in the dust. Then, all of a sudden, he sees the scooter zip past him. So, being a little cocky, the Porsche driver floors it again and blows past the guy on the scooter.

A few seconds later, he again sees the scooter zip on past him. So now he's a little irate as well as a little miffed that that scooter keeps passing him so he floors it until he is going over 100 mph. He thinks to himself that there would be no way that scooter could catch him now, but then looks in the rearview mirror and sees that scooter starting to catch up.

He then decides to find out what that scooter really is and slams on his brakes. Then the scooter crashes into the Porsche.

After the dust settled, the Porsche driver sees the scooter driver lying in the road and goes over to him and asked how he could go as fast as the Porsche on a little wimpy scooter.

The injured man replied, "I can't really, but my suspenders were caught on your side mirror!"

more car jokes on Guy Life

Thought of the Day - Easy and Comfortable or Satisfying and Meaningful Life

Thought of the Day - Easy and Comfortable or Satisfying and Meaningful Life

If we want an easy life, we just need to decide never to do anything difficult! Resolve not to want what we probably can't have. Develop an enthusiastic appreciation for anything that happens to be cheap and in plentiful supply. When we see trouble coming our way, get out of its path! When issues arise with a challenge, don't rise to it! There we go. There is our recipe for an easy life. I said, 'easy'. I did not say, 'satisfying' or 'meaningful'. If we want that kind of life, we must be willing to live a little closer to the edge at times.

Joke of The Day - Screw Up The Cooking

Joke of The Day - Screw Up The Cooking

There was a man with a restaurant near a construction site. The construction workers usually had their lunches in there, their favourite meal being beef soup.

But one day the chef ran out of meat, and in his panicked state he ran out the door in the hope of finding a ride to town. After noticing that there were no vehicles nearby he sadly started walking back to his restaurant. Upon nearing the construction site he saw a sheep tied up on a pole nearby. He was so happy that he untied the sheep and proceeded to his place.

At lunchtime the construction workers walked in and ordered their favorite soup.

During the meal, the guys started exclaiming in delight that the soup tasted extremely good, and asked what was the reason for that. The chef was pleased and proceeded to tell them about his predicament and how he used mutton from the sheep instead. Everyone stopped eating with a dazed look on their faces.

The chef asked, "What's the matter boys, did I screw up the cooking?"

"No." replied the foreman of the construction team, "you cooked up the screwing."

more Chef jokes on GuyLife

Thought of the Day - Open The Door

Thought of the Day - Open The Door

What can we do when we really try? What can we have power over? Who can we influence? Often, there is a limit to what we feel able to achieve. Material circumstances restrict us. Emotional wrangles confuse us. These problems are not about to vanish in a puff of smoke but they are all about revealing themselves as illusory. Walk bravely up to any door we imagine to be locked and somehow it will open.

Joke Of The Day - A Matter Of Time

Joke Of The Day - A Matter Of Time

A man walked into work late one morning and was immediately greeted by his boss.

"What time is it?" the boss asked, clearly annoyed.

"It's 10:33," the man replied.

"You didn't see anybody else strolling in at half-past 10 today, did you?" the boss asked.

"Of course not," the man answered, "I wasn't even here."

courtesy AskMen

Thought of The Day - Drama

Thought of The Day - Drama

Some people are attracted to each other for all the wrong reasons. Those, for example, who take perverse pleasure in perceiving themselves as victims will often feel irresistibly drawn to individuals with a predatory personality. And the attraction, sadly, is mutual! This happens most often when there are deep unresolved issues within both parties. These give rise to the need to play a role or act out a drama. They create scenarios where history appears to repeat itself. Such a chain can be broken. And we have the power to break it.

Joke Of The Day - Divorce

Joke Of The Day - Divorce

Q: How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Who cares? They never get the house anyway.

courtesy Ask Men

Thought of The Day - Magic

Thought of The Day - Magic

Uri Geller, a self-proclaimed psychic, has traveled the world and made a fabulous living by performing amazing feats of mysticism. He has met many famous people and created memorable performances. One of his most famous feats involves bending a spoon with his mind. Mr. Geller has quite a following and many believers, despite the fact that cynics have always claimed his paranormal demonstrations are merely simple magic tricks, which he denies. Still, no one has proven whether Mr. Geller's gift is real or an illusion, and his followers are devout. We can achieve magic too, by inspiring others to believe in our personal magic.

Joke Of The Day - Heaven

Joke Of The Day - Heaven

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands, because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."

"What a wonderful answer," the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and responded, "Sister, I think it's your feet."

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?"

Johnny answered, "Well, I walked past Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night. Mom had her legs up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh God! I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't pinned her down, I reckon we'd have lost her."

The nun had to leave the room.

courtesy Ask Men

Thought of the Day - Best Things In Life Are Free

Thought of the Day - Best Things In Life Are Free

They say 'the best things in life are free'. Well, that's what they used to say, anyway. They don't say it quite so much these days. All the great communicators work for advertising and marketing companies. They earn their living by trying to persuade the rest of us, that the very best things in life are worth lots of money. But the fact remains, that the very best things are as free and as wonderful as they ever were. Deep in our hearts there is a source of perfect joy and priceless wonder.