Joke Of The Day : Say Watt??

Joke Of The Day : Say Watt??

Q. How many swingers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. None. Swingers don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in hot tubs.

courtesy Ask Men

Joke Of The Day - Amazing Legs

Joke Of The Day - Amazing Legs

A man was drinking alone at a bar when he spotted a fat girl dancing on a nearby table. After watching for a while he walked past her and said, "Amazing legs."

She giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so?"

"Definitely," he replied. "Most tables would have collapsed by now."

courtesy AskMen

Joke Of The Day - The Best Bet

Joke Of The Day - The Best Bet

An unscrupulous young man had fancied this girl for ages but she had shown no interest in him so he decided to play a trick on her. The next time he saw her sunbathing on the beach he went up and said, “Hi Julie, I bet you £10 I can keep an eye on my clothes while I dive into the sea.”

Now Julie felt pretty sure that it would be impossible for him to dive in and watch the beach at the same time, so she accepted the bet. The young man took a false eye out of his pocket, put it on his clothes, and then dived into the water.

When he returned, he smiled and said, “Come on, Julie, I bet you another £10 I can bite my own ear.”

“Oh no,” she said, “Not more tricks. I suppose it’s plastic teeth this time?”

“I promise you they’re my own,” he said, so she accepted the bet. He took out his false teeth and bit his own ear. Now Julie was down £20 and feeling very annoyed.”

Hey Julie, I’ll give you a chance to win all your money back. I bet I can make love to you and you won’t feel a thing.

“Now Julie knew all about sex and figured that was impossible so she took the bet. He got down on top of her and away they went.

“Ah ah” she said triumphantly. “I can feel you!”

“Oh well,” he said grinning. “You win some, you lose some.”


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Joke Of The Day - Rubber Gloves

Joke Of The Day - Rubber Gloves

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves.

"Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?"

She said: "No, I don't have any idea."

"Well," he spoofed, "Down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in and then walks around for a bit while the latex sets and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again."

She didn't laugh one bit.

Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.

The old woman blushed and exclaimed, "I just figured out how they must make condoms!"

more Dentist Jokes on GuyLife

Joke Of The Day - Pants Crash

Joke Of The Day - Pants Crash

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY GOD!"

Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Economy said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

More Jokes about Airplanes on GuyLife

Joke Of The Day - Onions

Joke Of The Day - Onions

A surgeon operating on a man slips and accidentally cuts off the patient's testicles. He quickly inserts two onions and sews him back up. One month later, the man goes back for a check-up.

"Any problems?" asks the surgeon.

"A few," explains the man. "I cry when I pee, my wife gets heartburn after sex and I get a hard-on when I see a cheese sandwich!"

courtesy AskMen

Joke Of The Day - The Good Ol' Days

Joke Of The Day - The Good Ol' Days

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 Years."

"Yeah," she replied,"Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds 50 years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?"

Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied,"My n*ppl*s are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!"

courtesy GuyLife

Joke Of The Day - Inquiring Minds

Joke Of The Day - Inquiring Minds

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

courtesy AskMen

Joke Of The Day - Supermarket Fishing

Joke Of The Day - Supermarket Fishing

Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?"

"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"

"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."

"Okay, but I suggest that you take the large trout also."

"Why's that?"

"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take the big trout. That's what she'd like for dinner tonight."

more fishing jokes on GuyLife

Joke Of The Day - Divorced Barbie

Joke Of The Day - Divorced Barbie

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. "How much is that Barbie in the window?" he asks the shop assistant.

"Which Barbie?" she asks. "We have 'Barbie Goes to the Gym' for $19.95, 'Barbie Goes to the Ball' for $19.95, 'Barbie Goes Shopping' for $19.95, 'Barbie Goes to the Beach' for $19.95, 'Barbie Goes Nightclubbing' for $19.95, and 'Divorced Barbie' for $395.00."

"Why is 'Divorced Barbie' so much more expensive than all the others?" the confused father asks.

"That's obvious," the assistant states, "'Divorced Barbie' comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture... "

courtesy AskMen

Joke of The Day - IPL

Joke of The Day - IPL 

Girls & Boys

Teacher: Children, can you name 2 things that young Indian boys and girls absolutely love in the springtime?

Pappu: IPL for the boys and the i-pill for the girls!


Movie Mania
Q. What is former KKR captain Sourav Ganguly's favorite movie?

A. Gone in 60 seconds.

More IPL and cricket jokes on Guy Life 

Joke Of The Day - Knock Knock

Joke Of The Day - Knock Knock

Two astronauts were in a space ship circling high above the earth. One had to go on a space walk while the other stayed inside.

When the space walker tried to get back inside the space ship, he discovered that the cabin door was locked, so he knocked. There was no answer.

He knocked again, louder this time. There was still no answer.

Finally, he hammered at the door as hard as he could and heard a voice from inside the space ship saying, "Who’s there?"

More Astronaut Jokes on GuyLife

Joke Of The Day - Tight Skirts

Joke Of The Day - Tight Skirts

A woman tried to board a bus but her skirt was so tight that she couldn't make the step up.

So she reached behind her, lowered her zip and tried again. Still the skirt was too tight. So again she reached behind her, lowered her zip a little more and tried to negotiate the step. But still the skirt was too tight.

Determined to catch this bus, she once more reached behind her, lowered the zip a little and attempted to climb aboard. Then suddenly she felt two hands on her butt, helping her on to the bus.

She turned around angrily and told the man behind her: "Sir, I don't know you well enough for you to behave in such a manner."

The man replied: "Lady, I don't know you well enough for you to unzip my fly three times either!"

more Jokes on Fashion on GuyLife

Joke Of The Day - Medical test Mix Up

Joke Of The Day - Medical test Mix Up

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.

The lab tech tells him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that news is either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's disease and the other for herpes. We can't tell which one is your wife."

"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" asked Mr. Smith.

"Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?" he asked.

"The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."

courtesy AskMen

Joke of The Day - The Japanese Banking Crisis

Joke of The Day - The Japanese Banking Crisis

According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of ameliorating. If anything, it's getting worse.

Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches.

Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it!) going for a song.

Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop.

Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.

More Jokes on Banks on GuyLife

Joke Of The Day - If the Shoe Fits ...

Joke Of The Day - If the Shoe Fits ... 

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed.

"If I do 200 mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.

"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.

And as he got up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.

Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.

"Go and get help!" he cried.

"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"

"Take my shoe", he said: "and cover yourself."

Holding the shoe over her private parts, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do... he's in too far."

courtesy AskMen

Joke Of The Day - Three Kinds

Joke Of The Day - Three Kinds

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they're like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they're like onions."

"Onions?" asks the boy.

"Yes," says the father, "you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriates his wife and daughter. In a snarky voice, the daughter asks, "Mom, how many kinds of willies are there?"

The mother smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but still reliable. After his fifties, it's like an old Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?" the daughter asks.

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

courtesy Ask Men

Joke Of The Day - The Drug Dealers

Joke Of The Day - The Drug Dealers

Two drug dealers are arrested and appear before a judge for trial. Both men are convicted, but the judge agrees to suspend their sentences, if as a community service, they agree to speak to youngsters and successfully steer them away from drugs.

They both accept this and report back to the judge one week later.

The judge asks the first man, "How successful were you getting kids off drugs?"

The first man replies, "I did very well. I stopped 36 kids from doing drugs, your honour!"
asshole
"That's great," replied the judge, "How did you manage to do that?"

"Well," replied the first man, "I drew two circles, one big and one little. I pointed to the big one and said, 'this is your brain before drugs!' then I pointed to the little one and said, 'This is your brain after drugs'"

"Well," said the judge, "It's simple but effective!"

The judge then asks the second man how he did.

The second man says, "I got 100 kids off drugs, your honour!"

"Really?" said the judge, "That is amazing, how did you do it?"

"Well," said the second guy, "I drew two circles, just like he did but I pointed at the small circle first and said, 'This is your a**hole before you go into prison...'"

more crime jokes on GuyLife

Joke Of The Day - Poetry Contest on Timbuktu

Joke Of The Day - Poetry Contest on Timbuktu

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two; a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu."

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

"Slowly across the desert sand

Trekked a lonely caravan;

Men on camels, two by two

Destination Timbuktu."

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

"Me and Tim a huntin' went.

Met three chicks in a pop up tent.

They was three, and we was two,

So I bucked one, and Timbuktu."

Courtesy AskMen

Joke of The Day - Speedy Scooter

Joke of The Day - Speedy Scooter

A man in a Porsche 911 stops at a stoplight and a guy on a scooter pulls up next to him. The guy on the scooter leans over and takes an admiring look at the inside of the Porsche and tells the driver that he has a really hot car.

Well, the light turned green so the driver of the Porsche decides to show off and peels out and leaves the guy on the scooter in the dust. Then, all of a sudden, he sees the scooter zip past him. So, being a little cocky, the Porsche driver floors it again and blows past the guy on the scooter.

A few seconds later, he again sees the scooter zip on past him. So now he's a little irate as well as a little miffed that that scooter keeps passing him so he floors it until he is going over 100 mph. He thinks to himself that there would be no way that scooter could catch him now, but then looks in the rearview mirror and sees that scooter starting to catch up.

He then decides to find out what that scooter really is and slams on his brakes. Then the scooter crashes into the Porsche.

After the dust settled, the Porsche driver sees the scooter driver lying in the road and goes over to him and asked how he could go as fast as the Porsche on a little wimpy scooter.

The injured man replied, "I can't really, but my suspenders were caught on your side mirror!"

more car jokes on Guy Life