Monday, October 31, 2011

Joke Of The Day - Holy Truck (lawyers)

Joke Of The Day - Holy Truck (lawyers)

A truck driver amused himself by running over lawyers as they walked down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him. There would be a loud "thud" and then he would swerve back on the road.

As the truck driver drove along one day, he saw a priest hitch hiking. He pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

The priest said he was on his way to his church up the road.

"I'll give you a lift," the trucker said.

The priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. At the last minute, he remembered he had a priest in the truck and swerved back onto the road. Even though he knew he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "thud." Unsure of where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors.

When he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, Father. I almost hit a lawyer."

The priest replied: "That's OK, I got him with the door."

courtesy Ask Men

Thought of the day - Pesky Insect

Thought of the day - Pesky Insect

Have you ever noticed that, sometimes, just when things are starting to get really good, a new problem crops up or an old one rears its ugly head once more. It is almost as if our difficulties are like flies, they can smell food in preparation and this attracts them to the feast. We need to think of our biggest obstacle or stumbling block as a pesky insect. It can buzz, it can flutter, it can even bite or sting a little, but it can do no real harm unless we allow ourselves to overreact to the irritant.

Friday, October 21, 2011

Joke Of The Day - Trip to Mars

Joke Of The Day - Trip to Mars

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, but with one catch: He couldn't return to earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "One million" he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear: "Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.

The lawyer replied, "If you give me three million, I'll give you one million, I'll keep one million and we'll send the engineer."

courtesy Ask Men

Thought of the Day - Facts

Thought of the Day - Facts

'There is nothing as deceptive as an obvious fact.' - Sherlock Holmes

At times we find ourselves trying to make sense of a situation that just doesn't add up. We can, if we wish, just decide to live with the idea that we have a mystery on our hands and that we may never quite resolve it to our satisfaction. But if we want to understand more, question some of what we think we already understand.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Joke Of The Day - Blonde Paint

Joke Of The Day - Blonde Paint

Q: Did you hear about the new paint color, "blonde"?

A: It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.

courtesy Ask Men

Thought of the Day - Actions speak louder than words

Thought of the Day - Actions speak louder than words

Actions, we are repeatedly told, speak louder than words. Why, we may wonder, do people have to keep on saying this? The answer is in the statement. It is because they are words! They don't speak very loud. Actions speak louder. There are some actions that now need to be taken. We worry lest they will trigger a tense response. Yet, for those who have ears to hear, one thing speaks even louder than a word or an action. That is inaction! We need to resist the temptation to do nothing in the hope that something will sort itself out.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Joke Of The Day - Father to Son Talk

Joke Of The Day - Father to Son Talk

A middle-aged father came into the room with his laptop and asked his teenage son to sit down.

"Son," he said, "I think it's time to talk to you about pornography."

"What about it, Dad?" the son asked.

"How the hell can I get past the filters without your mother knowing?"

courtesy Ask Men

Thought of the Day - Bit by Bit

Thought of the Day - Bit by Bit

'Every day, in every way, I am getting better and better.' That little statement is called an affirmation. We are supposed to repeat it to ourselves several times over, as often as possible. We are supposed to resist the temptation to change the last three words to 'older and older' and we are supposed to believe it. The idea is that, as long as this is what we keep telling ourselves, it will somehow be true, regardless of what we actually do to make ourselves better. But, faith is not quite enough. We must take action, too.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Joke Of The Day - Blonde Deputy

Joke Of The Day - Blonde Deputy

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to interview for the job.

"OK," the sheriff drawled, "What is one plus one?"

"Eleven," replied the blonde.

The sheriff thought to himself: "That's not what I meant, but she's right." Then he asked, "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"

"Today and tomorrow," replied the blonde.

He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. "Now, listen carefully, who killed Abraham Lincoln?" asked the sheriff.

The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted: "I don't know."

The sheriff replied, "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her friends were waiting to hear the results of the interview. "How did it go?" they asked.

"It went great!" the blonde exclaimed. "First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

courtesy Ask Men

Thought of the Day - Genie's Bottle

Thought of the Day - Genie's Bottle

If we found a genie's bottle along the shoreline, uncorked the lid and a genie appeared, we might be expecting three wishes. Suppose, though, that the genie only offered us one wish. What would we wish for? The most obvious and the smartest wish in this situation would be for lots of additional wishes. Then we could have anything we wanted. We are now limiting ourselves despite an obvious option. Why get so carried away by an opportunity that we fail to see a chance to get even more out of the situation.

Friday, October 14, 2011

Joke Of The Day - Upstairs?

Joke Of The Day - Upstairs?

A man took a beautiful woman home with him. They began kissing on the sofa and as he slipped his hand into her pants, she asked, "Shall we take this upstairs?"
"I'd rather we did it here," he replied.

"Oh, I see," she winked, "something in your bedroom you don't want me to see?"

"Yeah," he replied: "my wife."

courtesy Ask Men

Thought of the Day - To err is human but to forgive is divine

Thought of the Day - To err is human but to forgive is divine

They say that, 'To err is human but to forgive is divine.' They say that for a reason. It is because it is true. But there is something about the phrasing of that old adage that is a little misleading. 'To err' suggests 'to make a small mistake.' That, by implication, puts 'to forgive' into a smaller category. We can all be gracious enough to overlook a minor misdemeanour but actually, the greater and more unacceptable the transgression, the more of a divine experience we can have when we allow ourselves to forgive it.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Joke Of The Day - Occupations

Joke Of The Day - Occupations

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you go first," she said. "What does your father do all day?"

Tim stood up and proudly said, "He's a doctor."

"That's wonderful. How about you, Annie?" the teacher asked.

Annie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."

"Thank you, Annie," the teacher said. "What about your father, Billy?"

Billy proudly stood up and announced: "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.

Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney, but how can I explain a terrible thing like that to a seven year old?"

courtesy Ask Men

Thought of the Day - Makes no sense

Thought of the Day - Makes no sense

Some things simply make no sense. We can try to explain them till we're blue in the face. We can consult experts, type words and phrases into Google, look at them from every conceivable angle or even ask the person in our life who normally knows the answer to everything - we will still be none the wiser. The situation that we generally find ourselves facing fits this category. Don't question it; accept it. It brings a much-needed change that will yet lead to a precious new perspective. That will help us in many amazing ways.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Thought of the Day - Swallow a Fly

Thought of the Day - Swallow a Fly

'I know an old woman who swallowed a fly...' So goes the old song. There's nothing so remarkable about swallowing a fly. What marks this woman out for special attention is the spider, the bird, the cat, the dog, and the horse that she then progressed to. It's a children's classic because it contains a wonderful moral - When you are in a hole, stop digging! 

Don't try to solve one problem by creating another.

Joke of the Day - To Be 8 again!

Joke of the Day - To Be 8 again! 

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror ..

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you f@*#*! retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong!!!

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Joke of the day - Indian Math

Joke of the day - Indian Math

An Indian politician went to the US to visit his counterpart. When the senator invited him home for dinner, the minister was very impressed by the lavish mansion with sports cars lined up outside, beautiful grounds and the costly furnishings. He asked "How can you afford all this on a meagre senator's salary?"

The senator smiled knowingly and took him to the window. "Can you see the river?" he asked. "Yes," answered the minister. "Can you see the bridge over it?" "Of course", said the minister.

"10 percent", said the senator smugly.

Some time later, he had the occasion to pay a return visit to India. The Indian minister brought out the red carpet and made the senator's visit as comfortable as possible. When they reached the minister's official residence, the American was stunned by the huge palace the minister had built, glittering with precious art, hundreds of servants, and every possible accoutrement of the mega-rich.

"How can you possibly afford this, on your salary?', the senator asked.

The minister called him to the window. "See the river over there?"

"Sure", said the senator. "Can you see the bridge over it?"

The senator looked, was confused, peered closely and said "No, I don't see any bridge."

"100 percent!", said the minister!

courtesy GuyLife

Thought of the Day - Past Mistakes

Thought of the Day - Past Mistakes

We may be racking our brains over a particular problem. We may even be putting ourselves down for our inability to solve it. But it is this cycle of criticizing ones-self that's probably our biggest obstacle to finding a resolution. We need to go easier on ourselves. We may be regretting some choices that we made in the past. We're dealing with the aftermath of those choices, and it may not be easy. The fact that we made those choices may have left us feeling mistrustful of our judgment. But just because we made mistakes in the past doesn't guarantee future mistakes. We need to believe in ourself and can blaze a new trail if we want to.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Joke Of The Day - Light and Hard

Joke Of The Day - Light and Hard


Q. What's the difference between light and hard?
A. You can sleep with a light on.

courtesy Ask Men

Thought of the Day - Crossroads

Thought of the Day - Crossroads

We have been searching for an answer. We need to know which direction to take at the crossroads that lies ahead. There are a few options, of course, but it is hard to compare them. Some of them seem frightening. Some of them seem wonderful. But which is the MOST wonderful? Which is the TRULY frightening? And can we really make a decision based on what we are now feeling? We need to trust ourselves, that's the only way to proceed. When we finally arrive at that crossroads, we will intuitively know which way to go. Follow our heart, and it won't lead us astray.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Thought of the Day - What We Want

Thought of the Day - What We Want

Getting what we want is not so tricky. Knowing what we want is the real challenge. Thinking that we know what we want is easy. Being absolutely sure that we have identified the best objective is... well... let's just ask, who can be absolutely sure of anything? And if we ever do feel total certainty, perhaps we are somewhat deluded. Our doubts are valid and valuable. They are not reasons to stop whatever we are doing, but they are reasons to proceed with care. That care is what will ensure our success.

Joke Of The Day - I Like The Way You're Thinking

Joke Of The Day

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.

"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" she asked.

"None," replied Johnny, "because the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

courtesy Ask Men

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Joke of the Day - Why It's Great To Be A Man

Joke Of The Day

1. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.

2. The garage is all yours.

3. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

4. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.

5. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

6. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.

7. The world is your urinal.

8. Wrinkles add character.

9. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

10. One mood, all the time.

courtesy Ask Men

Thought of The Day - Think Rich

Thought of The Day

'Think of ourselves as rich,' they say, 'and wealth will make its way to us.' It is not, of course, quite so simple. But there is an element of truth in this advice. Certainly, if we focus only on how poor we feel, we will become more conscious of our limitations than of our opportunities. We can say much the same about love and companionship. Those who feel that they have plenty to give are rarely short of someone to give it to.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Thought of the Day - Lost Out

Thought of the Day

We have lost something, or lost out on something. We feel a burdensome sense of loss. We feel that we have missed out on or screwed up a wonderful opportunity. But we did what we could do with what we had at that time. In other words, we did our best. And all is not lost anyway. Remember the story of Cinderella? She had to leave the ball before her gown returned to rags and her coach returned to a pumpkin. But the prince found her anyway because she'd lost her shoe. When she lost that shoe, she probably felt foolish, but it all worked out for the best.

Joke of the Day - Full of Bull

Joke Of The Day

A husband and a wife were going to a costume party. He was dressed as a bull and she was a heifer (young female cow). On the way to the party, their car ran out of gas. As they were walking to the gas station, they decided to take a shortcut through a field.

All of a sudden a bull came charging up.

"Oh no," cried the wife. "What are we going to do?"

"Well honey," replied the husband, "I'm going to bend over and act like I'm grazing. I suggest you brace yourself."

courtesy Ask Men

Monday, October 3, 2011

Thought of The Day - Opportunities and Challenges

Thought of The Day

Sometimes, the planets bring us opportunities. Sometimes, they bring us challenges. Sometimes, they bring us choices and alternatives. They don't say, 'Things must be this way for you.' They say, 'What do you want? What would you like?' We don't always know how to answer. We may feel too despondent, disempowered, disillusioned or deluded to even know how to make a decision. If that's the case, then we should ask for clarity. First, invite the universe to show us what's needed. Then we'll see how to get it.

Joke Of The Day - Moon and Wife

Joke Of The Day

A teacher is talking about marriage.

"What kind of wife would you like, Tommy?" she asks.

"One like the Moon," says Tommy.

"Do you want her to be calm and beautiful?" asks the teacher.

"No, I want her to come at night and disappear in the morning."

courtesy Ask Men