Friday, September 30, 2011

Joke Of The Day - Full of Bull

Joke Of The Day

A little farm boy comes in late for school. The teacher asks why he's late and the farm boy replies that he had to take the family cow over to the neighbor's to get her bred by a bull.

Annoyed, the teacher demands: "Can't your father do that?"

The little farm boy thinks for a moment and replies: "Well, sure... but the bull can do it better."

courtesy AskMen

Thought of the day - Reflection

Thought of the Day

They say that the invention of the wheel spelled the beginning of the modern world. Some might beg to differ. Far more revolutionary must have been the invention of the mirror. Prior to that if you wanted to see yourself, you would have to find a lake or a puddle on a still calm day. Now, suddenly, these tyrannical pieces of glass meant that we couldn't get away from a vivid (and perhaps sometimes too stark) reminder of our appearance. Don't let a reflection undermine our confidence. It isn't very accurate or fair.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Thought of the Day - Balls and Chains

Thought of the Day

We can be free of a restriction if we want to be... and we should not feel that the best we can hope for is being able to 'learn to live' with a difficulty. Sometimes, for very good reasons, we can consciously decide to accept a limitation in our life, for a while at least. The important thing is that whatever we do next, we do it out of choice, not just sheer obligation.

Joke of the Day - Kinky on the Mile High Club

Joke of the Day

Three men were trying to guess the professions of the three women they'd each been on dates with the previous evening, judging by how they had performed in the bedroom.

The first insisted that his date had been a nurse, because she said, "Lie back and relax. This won't hurt a bit."

The second concluded that his must have been a school teacher, because she had said, "Do it over and over until you get it right."

The third figured that his date must have been a flight attendant, because all she had said was, "Put this over your mouth and nose and continue to breathe normally."

courtesy GuyLife

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Joke Of The Day - Stowaway

Joke Of The Day

A young woman is on the Brooklyn Bridge, about to commit suicide. A sailor sees her as she is about to jump and shouts: "Wait! Don't do it! I'm leaving on a ship to Europe. I'll sneak you on board so that you can come with me and start all over!"

"OK, I guess so," the woman says.

So he sneaks her on board and stows her away. Every night he brings her food and they have sex all night long. This goes on for three weeks.

One day, the captain stumbles across her in her hiding place. "What are you doing on board?" he demands.

"Well, I have an agreement with one of your crewmen," she explains. "He is taking me to Europe. Every night he brings me food and then we screw."

"You certainly are being screwed," said the captain. "this is the Staten Island Ferry!"

courtesy Ask Men

Thought of the Day - Circles

Thought of the Day

'There's a hole in my bucket, dear Liza, dear Liza...' In the old folk song, Henry complains. Liza tells him to fix it. Henry asks 'How?' Liza says 'Use Straw'. Henry says 'The straw needs cutting. Liza says 'Use an axe' Henry says 'The axe is blunt' Liza says 'Sharpen it.' Henry says 'But the stone is dry' Liza says 'Wet it.' Henry says, 'How will I get the water?' Liza says 'In a bucket.' Henry says... 'But there's a hole in my bucket.' But we are not Henry. Or Liza. And we don't have to go round in circles.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Joke of the Day - Handsome Hubby

Joke of the Day

On the way home from a party, a wife said to her husband, "Have I ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible you are to women?"

The husband is very flattered, "Why no, I don't think you have."

To which the wife said, "Then what in the hell gave you that idea at the party?"

courtesy Guy Life

Thought of the Day - Reasonable

Thought of the Day

On a motorway in North West England, the central reservation suddenly widens. In the middle of this unexpected expanse stands a farmhouse. When they were building the road, the authorities offered the owner money to move. Then they used legal threats. He wouldn't go. In the end, they just laid the tarmac around the house. Once, it stood in a rural idyll. Now six lanes of traffic hurtle past day and night. It is no place to live. Remember; there are times when we all should stand our ground and times when we are wiser to be reasonable.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Joke OF The Day - Special Order

Joke Of The Day

A zookeeper wanted to get some extra animals for his zoo, so he decided to compose a letter. The only problem was that he didn't know the plural of "Mongoose."

He started the letter: "To whom it may concern, I need two Mongeese."

No, that won't work. He tried again: "To whom it may concern, I need two Mongooses."

"Is that right?" he thought to himself.

Finally, he got an idea: "To whom it may concern, I need a Mongoose, and while you're at it, send me another one."

courtesy Ask Men

Thought of the Day - Fear of failure / success

Thought of The Day

We should neither let the fear of failure hold us back or the fear of success. Even though we may feel that the natural tendency is to want to shrink into the background and simply take the easiest route, we might be sacrificing our true-life purpose in doing so. Instead of following the leader we should become the leader. Rid ourselves of all fear and take control of our destiny.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Joke of the Day - Slip of the tongue

Joke Of The Day

A guy boards a train bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He immediately notices that the guy next to him has a deeply bruised, black eye.

"What a coincidence!" he exclaims, "We both have black eyes! Mind if I ask how you got yours?"

"Well," explains the man, "I was about to buy a ticket and this gorgeous blonde with beautiful breasts was behind the counter. When I asked to purchase a ticket to Pittsburgh, I accidentally blurted out 'I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh' and so she sucker-punched me!" The man continues, "What's your story?"

The other guy explains, "The exact same thing happened to me. I was at the breakfast table and I meant to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties,' but I accidentally said, 'You ruined my life you stupid bitch!'"

courtesy AskMen

Thought of the Day - Nothing ever happens without a reason

Thought of the Day

They say that nothing ever happens without a reason. But then, the very same 'they' postulate the most unlikely reasons for the most unbelievable things. They don't know as much as they think they do. We ought not to believe them when they make their pompous pronouncements. Maybe there is a reason for what's happening in our lives now. And maybe there isn't. But it is happening and it is big and it is very exciting. Never mind the reason or the explanation - just seize the very special moments.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Joke Of the Day - Bidding War

Joke Of The Day

During an auction of exotic pets, a woman who had placed a winning bid told the auctioneer, "I'm paying a fortune for that parrot. I hope he talks as well as you say he does."

"I guarantee it, madam," replied the auctioneer. 

"Who do you think was bidding against you?"

courtesy Ask Men

Thought of the Day - Just Can't win

Thought of the Day

We look at a difficult situations now and it occurs to us that we 'just can't win'. Perhaps that's so. The trick is to stop worrying about winning. We do not have to think in terms of success or failure. We need to think in terms of learning and discovery. Respect the mystery we are looking at. Rather than to solve it, try to salute it.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Joke of the Day - The Sexist Dummy

Joke of the Day

A young ventriloquist is touring the comedy clubs, and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas.

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde joke routine when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as people. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee."

courtesy GuyLife

Thought of the Day - Two ends of a stick

Thought of The Day

There's definitely a stick. It clearly has two ends. There's no question that we have to hold of one of these ends. But which is the right end, and which is the wrong end. Understandably enough, we want to feel that we've aligned ourselves correctly. Someone else, though, sees the same situation from a very different viewpoint. We can't both be right, can we? We too see a familiar situation in a different light and there's no shame in changing our mind about a matter of some significance.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Joke of the Day - Sexy Pickle Slicer

Joke of the Day

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years before he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about this strange desire, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashamed. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired too."

courtesy Guy Life

Thought of the Day - Water

Thought of the Day

Cities invariably develop by rivers. Or, at the very minimum, plentiful underground water sources. For all our sophistication, our most pressing needs are the same whether we live in mud huts or condominiums. Water. Got to drink it. Got to wash with it. Strange that we develop such a wry, dry view of the world when so much depends on our ability to get wet. What's a real crisis? Nothing with which to quench a burning thirst. What's the very worst we face? Some small spill not some great loss.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Thought of The Day - Wise and Realistic

Thought of the Day

The world is full of kind souls who would never dream of acting in a heartless or inconsiderate way. Everyone's a saint. So we can consider ourselves perfectly safe, wherever we go. We need never lock our doors or guard our secrets. We can just be open and childlike. Er... can't we? Well, I'd love to confirm that all the above is totally true; yet we know it's only partially true! It's necessary to face a fact and identify a problem. We need to remain trusting where we can manage it; but need to be wise and realistic too.

Joke of The Day - Letter

Joke Of The Day

A Marine stationed in Iraq recently received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky, I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, Becky

The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope, along with this note:

Dear Becky, I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me."

courtesy Ask Men

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Joke of The Day - Did you call for me?

Joke Of The Day

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.

A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"

The man replies: "No, what do you mean?"

She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me."

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him: "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.

"No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer.

"You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me."

The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist: "May I help you?" she says.

The man yells: "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."

"But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."

The man replies: "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day."

courtesy Ask Men

Thought of the Day - Conscious

Thought of the Day

We all know that if we don't eat for a while we will feel bad. As with food, so with sleep. But generally, we gain active pleasure from eating whereas sleeping is not necessarily an activity we 'enjoy'. We like the benefit gained. The experience itself we find hard to relate to, not least because when we are asleep, we are not quite so aware of what's going on. Keep that thought in mind. Sometimes very valuable things happen in our lives but we are not fully conscious of what's actually going on. Trust it anyway.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Thought of the Day - Thoughtful

Thought of the Day

If there's something we haven't got, perhaps we don't need it. Even if it is something we think we ought to have, there may be an alternative that's at least as good, if not better. And if there's something we've got that we don't want... we have to ask why it came into our life in the first place? Do we perhaps need it more than we realise? Does it represent a lesson we could benefit from learning? If we're sure we've learned all we need to, move on. But before being too decisive, we need to be thoughtful.

Joke of the Day - Funeral

Joke of The Day

An old penny pincher had no friends. Just before he died, he asked his doctor, lawyer, and pastor to gather around him at his bedside.

“I have always heard that you can’t take your money with you when you die. But I want to disprove that theory,” he said. “I have $90,000 under my mattress, and when I die, just before they throw the dirt on me at my burial, I want each of you to toss in an envelope containing $30,000.”

The three each took their share of the cash, and when he died, attended the funeral and did as he had asked.

On the way back from the cemetery, the pastor said, “I must confess. I needed $10,000 for my new church, so I only threw in $20,000.”

The doctor then said, “I must confess too. I needed $20,000 for a new hospital I was opening up, so I only threw in $10,000.”

The lawyer looked at them both and shook his head. He then said,“Gentlemen, I’m surprised, shocked, and ashamed of you. I don’t see how you could dare to go against that man’s final wish. I mean, I threw in a cheque for the full amount!"

courtesy Guy Life

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Thought of The Day - Two Sides

There are two sides to our drama. On one side there is anxiety, stress, worry, frustration, and a sad story or two. On the other side we find hope, growing pains, evolution, possibilities, opportunities, and light at the end of the tunnel. These two stories are actually one and the same. And we do have the power to choose the way it all plays out. If we can stick with that far more hopeful aspect of our story as it unfolds, then we will be a winner - no doubt about it.

Joke of the day - Charity begins at home

Joke Of The Day

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied: "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled: "Um... no."

The lawyer interrupts: "... or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"... Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident leaving her penniless with three children?!" the lawyer continued.

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply: "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

courtesy Ask Men

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Joke Of The Day - The World's Smartest Man

Joke Of The Day

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said, "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."

He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my backpack."

courtesy Ask Men

Thought of the day - Life Story

Some people believe that we get to pick our life stories before we even come to Earth. Like successful actors flicking through scripts, we choose which parts we want to play. If that's true, some spirits must be deeply committed thespians for they take on impossibly challenging roles. Are we somehow supposed to be in the situation that we find ourselves in? Of course not. The only thing we are supposed to be is aware of our own power to change or get out of the situation that we don't much like. Trust that!

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Joke of The Day - Who Wears The Pants Now?

Joke of The Day

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon suite and the groom decides to start asserting himself right away.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at his bride.

He says, "Put those on."

The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."

He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in this relationship!"

The bride takes off her underwear and throws them at him and says, "Try those on!"

He replies,"I can't get into your panties!"

Comes her retort, "And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

courtesy GuyLife

Thought of the Day - Seeing Clearly

When Michelangelo, the great Italian sculptor and painter, sought to explain his technique for creating magnificent sculptures in a letter to Benedetto Varchi, he proclaimed "I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set it free." We are always faced with a daunting task to challenge our creativity. We would do well to adopt Michelangelo's approach. We need to find what is most beautiful, most compelling, and most powerful about what we are dealing with, and work until others can see it as clearly as we do.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Thought of The Day - The Temple

Some people say the ultimate temple is not a building but a body. Our very own body. They suggest that if we treat our physical form with the same reverence that we might show to a religious shrine, we'll eat only the healthiest foods. It's a nice idea, although bars and doughnut vendors might do a lot less business if it ever caught on! And surely, if the body deserves that much respect, the mind is entitled to even more. Think only the purest thoughts if we wish to feel as happy as we deserve to be!

Joke of The Day - Good News Bad News

Joke Of The Day

"I've got some good news and some bad news," the doctor says.

"What's the bad news?" asks the patient.

"The bad news is that you've only got three months to live," the doctor says.

The patient is taken aback. "What's the good news then, Doctor?"

The doctor points over to the secretary at the front desk. "You see that blonde with the big breasts, tight ass and legs that go all the way up to heaven?"

The patient nods his head.

The doctor replies: "I'm screwing her!"

courtesy Ask Men

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Joke of The Day - Not So Dumb Blonde

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

courtesy GuyLife

Thought Of The Day - Others Opinion

Thought Of The Day

We pay far too much attention to others opinion about ourselves. Or rather, to our idea of what their opinion might be (which is not quite the same thing). All that conjecture can be swept aside. We are who we are and that's more than good enough - for anyone!

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Joke of the Day - The Other side of the coin

Joke Of The Day

By the time James arrived at the football game the first quarter was almost over.

"Why are you so late?" his friend asked.

"I had to toss a coin to decide between going to church and coming to the game," Ted replied.

"How long could that have taken you?" his friend inquired.

"Well, I had to toss it 14 times."

courtesy Ask Men

Thought of the day - Understanding and Liking

Thought of the day

If we don't understand the answer, maybe we're asking the wrong question. There's a difference though, between not liking something and not understanding it. If we're baffled then keep searching for an explanation and we'll eventually get one. If we're frustrated, that's another matter. We need to first try learning to feel OK about whatever is upsetting us. That may be easier than we imagine. If not (and only if not) look for alternatives. Should be our last resort, though, not our first port of call.

Friday, September 9, 2011

Thought of The Day - Tolerance

Our adaptive powers are useful in that they give us a high tolerance for uncomfortable situations. At times, however, this trait may not serve us very effectively. We may end up staying in a difficult relationship or unsatisfying job because we fear something new. Life is short. If we want to improve our situation, take responsibility for it and be proactive.