Thought Of The Day - Different Lives

Thought Of The Day - Different Lives

Think of all the different lives we could have led. What about the talents that we nearly developed but never gave quite enough energy to? Or the relationships that might have come to mean so much, yet which slipped away before their potential had been fully realised? The career choices we could have made and the ones we selected instead? Do we have reason for regret? Absolutely not. But we do have reason to look more carefully at what is in front of us now. It could turn out to be offering us more than we realise.

Thought of the Day - Symbiotic Relationship

Thought of the Day - Symbiotic Relationship

There's a symbiotic relationship between order and chaos, just as there is a close connection between pain and pleasure. Love and hate are two sides of one coin. Success and failure? Joined at the hip. Honesty and deceit? Twins since birth! Strength and weakness? World's top double act! Hell and heaven? You get the point, right!  Do consider now, whether your powerful reaction to something or someone could simply be a reminder of your own need to redress an inner imbalance?

Thought of the Day - Uncertainty

Thought of the Day - Uncertainty 

It's hard to comprehend what motivates others today and your lack of understanding could add extra stress to our relationships. We might not realize that we need more assurance than others can offer us right now. Although we think that we know what we want and how we're going to get it, another person's uncertainty stirs up our own confusion. Ultimately, we won't find the stability we seek from anyone else. Solutions come from within and only we will be able to ease your doubts.

Love, Sex and Marriage - Jilted in Love #3

I was going to type 3 separate posts but decided to make it one.

This post is about three guys that were jilted. Yes! Guys! It's not only women that always face the short end of the stick.

All 3 stories being similar. The feelings, emotions and thoughts - are all the same. I cried while listening to them and cried even more while keying this. Heartbreaks are always sad and even more so when it comes out of the blue when you least expect it.

Three happily in love couples, no issues between them whatsoever. Three nice guys, madly in love, and then one day: Crash! Boom! Bang, and their world falls apart!

Hearts ripped out from their bodies, stomped and left to dogs to relish on. Sad but true! I feel for all three of them - one, really close to me; the other, a friend; and the third, an acquaintance. First one was ditched because of no apparent reason, the second was left languishing as his ex realised love was not enough, and the third wanted a more settled guy who would fulfill all her needs and wanted her family to be happy too. Two stories are two years old and one is current. They say, “Time heals all”. But I still see the pain, hurt, and agony as fresh and deep as it was as the day their lives came crumbling down. Time just makes the pain a bit less and bearable. Time makes us used to living with it. Time just gives a false sense of protection. Beneath the surface it's a volcano ready to erupt at the slightest hint.

Being a Libran, I am pretty fair and unbiased. But at the same time extremely emotional. I have tried to understand the ‘whats’ and ‘whys’ of their disposition. But it flummoxes me every time I think about it. I do not see any plausible reason why 3 currently torn guys could not have been 3 happy couples. Hopes of marriage, a great family and happy fun-filled joyous future. Now, just memories and thoughts. Some good and happy but mostly gut or I would say heart wrenching.


Guy #1

So Guy #1, let's call him Bob. He was the one left stranded for no apparent reason. He still can't get over it. His mind is totally messed up right now. The past year has not really been the best for him. But his relationship kept him strong, stable and sane. He was in a relationship for close to 3 years. His lady love had been away the past year for higher studies. They were pretty serious and had discussed marriage. Bob was looking forward to her return so that they could finalise the wedding plans. He was very excited and eager. I remember we discussed some gift option that he would present to her at the airport and formally propose to her.

Bob did propose to her and was shocked and confused when she said "We need to talk about it". Shocked because he was expecting a "Yes". Confused because he didn't know what more was needed to be discussed. As they had pretty much discussed it all.

To keep things short. She had a sudden change of heart. But I think otherwise. She was having far too much fun abroad to actually settle down with Bob. The poor guy has been nursing a broken heart and dreams. Initially he was torn apart but he bounced back real quick. OK, it did take quite a lot of alcohol & crying sessions over 4-6 weeks. In fact he's happier now than he was with her. Suddenly he's come alive. He is like the Bob I never knew. He was shy and quiet, I'd even go to the extent to say non-descript. But now! He is a totally out and out kinda guy. Happy-go-lucky. But I know what dark, morose feelings are there inside.

Well she did try to get back with him, but he showed her the finger. I personally think she's a major bitch, though I do not know her at all. I do not have any issues with her having second thoughts but keeping Bob disillusioned for this long? Giving him false hopes? Anyways she can go to hell. And when I meet her then, I will laugh at her face.


Guy #2

Hmmm... lets call him Chris and her Evelyn. They were dating for about 4 years. They made a really gorgeous couple. I would not say that they were in love but definitely were into each other. (Hey no carnal thoughts!!) They were a fun couple to be around, but (yeah there's always a But) from different backgrounds. Her lifestyle was altogether different from all of us let alone Chris', who was fairly well off. I always thought that they were not meant to be and did tell Chris about it in their early days of dating. But you know how it is right - Raging hormones and all. Anyways as long as he was or rather they were happy I didn't really bother.

A couple of years into their relationship, Evelyn's parents started putting pressure on her to get married. Her parents didn't know about Chris. Well they knew him but didn't know they were in a relationship. So now the pressure was on Chris. Well he had no doubt about marrying her. And she wanted to marry him too. Chris had just started work. Was independent and not living off his family business. He wanted to be a self-made man. This is where Evelyn had an issue. She didn't quite understand why Chris wanted to do it on his own when he could fall back on his family.

So here's where it started getting interesting...

A few months later, Evelyn informed her parents about their relationship. Chris spoke with her parents and explained to them the situation and he was intent on making his life on his own. Somehow her parents didn't like the idea of him working and had an issue if he would be able to take care of her as well as provide her with the luxuries she was accustomed to. Her father was a successful businessman and was not happy with the idea that his daughter may have to work after marriage. So her father gave Chris an ultimatum that if he wanted to marry Evelyn he should go back to his family business.

So, we all friends spent quite a few days and nights with Chris and Evelyn on what they were going to do. Chris was sure, he would not go back to the family business and he wanted to marry Evelyn. By then Evelyn had come around that she wanted to marry him and he did not have to work with the family. Chris decided he would leave the country to increase his earnings and she decided that she would follow him a few months later. It was decided they both wanted to marry each other come what may. Evelyn promised Chris that he was the one she wanted to marry and live the rest of her life with. She didn't tell her parents that Chris was going to go abroad. In the meantime they were getting proposals for her. They thought she called it off with Chris.

Chris in the meantime had packed up and left. Got himself a good job. And in the 9 months since he first left, he did visit home a few times. Both discussed marriage plans for the following year. Chris would once again approach her parents and ask for her hand in marriage else they would elope. All set.

Suddenly 2-3 months later, Chris gets a call from Evelyn. She informs him that she thought about them again and she realized that she was not willing to compromise on her lifestyle and that she could not marry him. (Hold on a bit here comes the juicy bit) Also, she said that she had found someone who could provide her with the lifestyle.

Silence...

I can't even imagine what must have gone through Chris' mind then. All his hopes and dreams literally shattered in that one call. He was busy creating a future for them, left home, left the country, left family and friends behind just so that he could earn shit loads of money. (For whom? For Her!) And this is what he got in return. He was devastated. We asked him to come home for a bit, but he didn't. A couple of us immediately visited Chris and spent a few days with him. He was a sight to pity. His house was in a mess. He was drinking himself silly every evening. He was so lost and gone that he even hired 'call girls' every week. Whatever he had saved he blew it all up in the next 3 months. He didn't visit home for a year. Cut himself off from everyone barring a couple of friends. I remember how he would cry on the phone, totally drunk and out of his mind. We were surprised he managed to hold onto his job. Chris had a couple of friends there who did take care of him. We were not sorry for him but were very sad. It's been 2 years now and Chris is as normal as he can be. Only the few who know Chris really well know that he's not the same. He's totally closed himself off emotionally. We try not to discuss Evelyn but we have common friends, and every time her name comes up, we can see tears build up in his eyes. He has tried dating in the recent past. But he says he just can't connect with them emotionally and he may never be able to connect with any woman. (One less good guy lost to the selfish, greedy, bad world)

Most of us have totally cut off from Evelyn. I do not think we ever will speak with someone so heartless and insensitive. She didn't give Chris a chance to prove himself. What kind of a person would break someone's heart for their own selfish needs? Chris could provide, OK not necessarily two holidays in a year but definitely one. To people at large, Chris seems totally normal. Well, he is! But now there is this darkness, hatred, harshness, insecurity and pessimism too, in him.  We know he'll never be the same.


Guy #3

He calls himself King of England, as England has no King I'm going to call him Charles and his lady love Bambino. Well I was going to key this in but Charles said that he wanted to write it. So we'll hear from him with real emotions and feelings in the next post. A quick background about his status: Both Charles and Bambino were madly in love with each other. If at all a couple I'd say were made for each other or soulmates, I'd say Charles and Bambino were that couple. They dated for two years. Discussed marriage, kids, and a wonderful future together. And then, she dropped the bomb on him. That she was going to marry another man because she wanted to be happy and her parents would be happy. (hold on hold on…) And, that he should forget her. And not once did she ask him what he would do with his life or how would he cope and live without her. (Damn you parents. I thought you wanted your children to be happy and not obligated to you)

Well, not going to disclose anymore. Will let the man do the talking… in the next post.

Isn't it amazing how easy it is for people to break another's heart and yet carry on happily with their lives? How people make decisions which potentially can destroy another's life? How people can make life altering choices, for themselves and others, without an iota of thought about the other? What kind of a world do we live in?

Do let me know your thoughts.

Cheers!

Relationships & Obligations - What are they all about?

I have been thinking about this one for a while now. I also jotted down some points but I guess I am just going to type away! I doubt if you can actually plan or strategize what to write on a topic like Relationships.

What are relationships all about? I mean, we have so many different relationships. I equate it to PR (but another post on that one). Which relationship is more important? How do we prioritise them? Does it depend on how one is related through birth / marriage? Or the number of years one knows another person? Or is it based on the simple factor of how one connects with another?

This post is my personal view and I am sure many, if not all, might not agree with it. What's good for one is not necessarily good for the other. And I am not forcing my view on anyone here. I'm not one to judge either. Why should I judge anyway?

For me, relationships are of utmost importance. Whatever they maybe! My relationships are based on how I connect with people. Simple! They are for life. I may not be in regular contact with people but my relationships have stood the test of time and do not diminish.

They say we are born in bondages, and I agree! When we take birth, we are in relationships we did not choose or opt for. They are like automatic transitions. They are thrust upon us. Not that this makes them insignificant but they usually have their own set of pre-set expectations that we have to keep up to. Like it or not! Absolutely unfair! Because we live for ourselves not others. Why must we sacrifice ourselves for others or society? And get sacrificed by others for no fault of ours?

Then as we grow – at school, college, university, workplace – we choose most of the relationships we want to keep. Of course, marriage is one of the most crucial choices you make for yourself. Though even in marriage, some relationships you choose, and some come along with. And most of the times, they go hand-in-hand. We choose one and then another or many others are just added on to our sleeves. For e.g. we make a friend and they get a companion, or at work a new person comes in. Or for that matter when we get married. New relationships are formed, to our liking or not, with the ones we choose.

At times, we can’t just wish the new relationship away or avoid it. Or, do we cut old relationships for new ones? E.g one gets married and then stops communicating with friends for whatever reasons, isn't it mind-boggling? If a spouse/partner specifically asks us to cut contact, are we obligated to them?

I’ll give you another example: You want to marry a person but the family is not accepting it? What do you do? How do you prioritize? Now imagine, if one or both were married or involved. What would you think? Immoral, wrong, selfish etc. But do we know the truth of the matter to decide or judge? Definitely not! It's not as simple as A is cheating on B. Or that C came in between A & B. Have we bothered digging deeper or are we going by what we read or hear? Until and unless we are not in that person’s shoes, we will never understand it so we should not judge. Period!

Or, if a person is divorced and marries again, doesn't he/she still have a relationship with his/her ex or their family? What if they have kids? Well, these relationships just don't go away. We are not obligated but we do still have some responsibility towards them, don’t we?

Why are humans so complicated? Why do we have to judge others without knowing or being in the position what the other is in?

I know someone who recently was, how do I put it nicely, left to his/her own devices by another. We can judge the other by saying they didn't do the right thing or call them names. But we should also think from the other person’s perspective. What could possibly be the reason? On the surface it may look like that it’s all their fault and it’s terrible to do something like that with a person, but if we try to understand the person it may just change our perception about the person. O.K., I could be partial as I know one side of the story pretty well and my heart goes out to them and I strongly feel it was heart-breaking. But then, I have understood or tried to understand the other person’s perspective too. I may not be happy with the situation but I'm O.K. with it. Yes, I feel deeply for the affected person and at times that has clouded my judgment. Relationships change our perception of others.

What happens to a relationship between two people in love and one for whatever reason, family or society, one gets married to another person altogether? Where does that leave the other party? Does it means that there is no more relationship between them? Does it all just disappear into thin air?

A husband/wife will never accept the past relationship of their spouse even if the spouse has made a huge sacrifice for them. They will never truly accept the truth and appreciate the sacrifice.

Some say that the husband-wife bond is the most important. Some say parent-child bond is most important. So where does that leave our other relationships? Does it make them any less important?

For me, no! They all are equally important. Well it actually differs from situation to situation. Factors like which relationship needs you the most or you need the most. O.K., this does not mean that all you married people go and start an affair or anything and blame it on me! It just means that at different times different relationships are more important than the others. I'd give my life for some of my friends. I'd go out of the way for them even if I have to suffer. But that does not mean I will neglect my family. I have some responsibility towards them but am not obligated to them.

I was dating my wife for almost 8 years before we got married. Though of a different religion that of mine, had my parents asked me not to marry her and marry someone from the community, I don't think I would have done that. I do not have to live with my parents for the rest of my life. Or care 2 hoots about what society says. We all know they all have skeletons in their closets. But yes, I do have some responsibility towards them but no obligation and does it mean I have to sacrifice my happiness for them? Definitely not! I'm not obligated to them for having taken care of me while I grew up. But hey, they had to! It is their responsibility like how now I have mine! And likewise, when they grow old, taking care of them will be my responsibility. I'm not going to desert them.

Or if tomorrow my wife and I are not together that does not imply I have no relationship with her or my in-laws. Or if I get married again, it does not mean the other person was responsible for what went wrong between us!

My most important relationship is with MYSELF. If I cannot have a truthful relationship with myself then all other relationships do not matter. For no matter what, we cannot break off the relationship with our own selves. Maybe in the past I have not given enough importance to myself but now I do. If I'm unhappy then everyone around me will also be unhappy. If I feel something is not working out for me, I will first try to change myself but if I'm not comfortable with it then I have to do something about the situation.

My FIRST and FOREMOST relationship is with MYSELF. And will always think about myself first. But that does not make me selfish. Or maybe it does. But I couldn’t care less!

Here’s to Relationships – all sorts, sizes and stories!

Cheers!

My Decade 2000-2010

Have been contemplating what my first post should be. Wrote a couple, but then decided to just sit in front of the screen and type away. I apologise for any grammatical or punctuation errors. I am going to write / type as I speak.

2000-2010. Wow! What a decade it's been - The most tempestuous decade of my life - No less than a roller-coaster ride. Enjoyed the peaks and the lows, though I spent more time in lows than peaks, but have grown manyfold stronger.

So how was it for me? Here goes my decade… Not necessarily in order of any timeline. It’ll be very boring then. The ride is going to be a bit jumpy but I promise it’d be interesting, so please enjoy with me.

I quit the family business in 2000 not knowing what was in store for me. It was not easy because leaving the family business meant leaving all comforts. Big decision, but yeah I did it!! It so happened that my Dadi (grandmother) had just had a fall and was bed ridden. This was the cause of her demise because till then she was totally independent and now suddenly for every basic requirement she had to be dependent on others. It killed her confidence and was sad to see such a strong independent woman have such a pitiful death. But the good thing is that every immediate family member was by her side at the time of her demise. I still remember that day as if it was yesterday. We got a call from the hospital (Lilavati) saying her vital signs were dropping and that we should come. I remember standing by her feet and giving her reiki for smooth passage to the other side. I saw her take her last breath and watched as her heart came to a stop some 30 minutes later. I was sad, but I was happy for her because the past few months were torturous for her, and now she would be with my Bada Papa (grandfather) after 16-17 years.

So I did get to spend four months tending to her as I was vela (useless) as I had no job. But I did land up on one 10 days before her demise. I do miss her and talk to her at times.

How did I land my job? Pretty funny actually. I was what you could call a party animal. Being a Sindhi, people anyways called me an AniMal as most Sindhi surnames end with Ani or Mal. Been also called ChiNdi because of my Chinese antecedent. My mother is Chinese albeit Indian born.

On the day of my interview I went to meet the President of a PR agency. I was waiting in the reception area and bumped into a person I would regularly bump into at Mumbai's party circuit. Didn't know his name though but we chatted for a couple of minutes, and he asked me to drop by his cabin for a coffee once I was done with my meeting. As the reception area was cut off physically from the work area, I sat patiently till I was called. Nervous and excited, this was after all my first interview. Didn't know what was right or wrong to say. Told myself – ‘what the heck just be myself and see where it goes’. Walked to the cabin and for a second I thought I walked into the wrong room because, in front of me was the person that I was chatting with a few minutes ago. We both had the "Oh! It's you look on our faces". Now that was a Kodak moment. LOL. The entire hour we chatted about everything else except the interview. At the end of it we were pretty pally you could say. But what really touched me the most was when he said that he would hire me because I was a nice guy and there was something special about me. I spent almost five glorious years with the agency and really rocked it - In a good way that is. It’s been almost six years since I moved on, but have fond memories of my time there. And we still remain good friends.

I became a whole new person in those 5 years. Responsibility, Accountability and Relationships were three new words added to my vocabulary. Not just as words but meant something too. Met some fantastic people and shared deep bonds. They were just not colleagues, but friends, friends for life.

Over the past decade I've come across people from all walks of life. And have developed some great friendship. The best that I've made. Some people inspired me. Some despised me. The ones that matter made a difference to me and can never be forgotten. Out of which one stands out. It was like you meet a person and you immediately know there is a connection. Like two bodies with the same soul. Soulmates?? Definitely!!! Sometimes words cannot explain these relationships and people cannot understand them. Why are humans so complicated? Life so uncertain and confusing? But again, would Life be fun if everything was orderly and certain? Nah!!!

In 2003 I moved bag and baggage to Bangalore. A very big move! Because this time I moved out of home. I was scared and terribly sad. It was not just about leaving home and moving to another city. I knew that I was leaving for good; never going back to Bombay. Barring the first three years of my life, which doesn't even count, Bombay was my life, my everything. All my friends were there. Other than my girlfriend (now wife) I didn't know a soul in Bangalore. This was a whole new beginning for me.

I cried at the airport. All through the flight. Starting a new life in a new place that was alien to me. More about leaving everything that ever mattered to me, but that's the whole thing about relationships. They never go away. My friends and I are as thick as ever. I do get to see them few times a year and we cherish every moment of it. Even at work people come and go. Some colleagues become friends and it is always sad to see them go, or go myself. Life is all about coming and going. Life's fluid and ever evolving and we need to change with it, else we get left behind. But relationships are for keeps.

In 2005, I quit the agency after almost five years and again shifted base. This time to Delhi. Somehow didn't feel as bad because, at the back of my mind I knew I would move back to Bangalore. My cousin and I founded a small retail business. Still in existence :-) after five+ years, not as small. But my time was short-lived. Barely 9 months. I was married for a year or so by then and my wife had quit her job and moved with me. It was tough for both of us to adjust to Delhi. More so for her as she didn’t know anyone and hated being holed up in the house. She didn't really get accustomed to Delhi so we moved back to Bangalore. Her previous employer was more than happy to have her back. This was the second time I quit without having a job in hand. And now I think it's second nature for me to quit without knowing what I'm going to do.

A quick fast forward to the present and I'm in the same boat. Quit my job without a clue of what’s in store for me. But hey, I'm not worried. I'm pretty confident about myself. Well, first time I was single, second time married, and like they say, thrid time lucky :-) with a beautiful 3 1/2 yr old daughter. Crazy, Looney?? Lol thats what all my friends say. Sure you can add more to it. Always welcome.

In Oct 2005, I moved back to Bangalore. Attended a couple interviews telephonically and moved to another agency. Though some friends thought it was an unwise decision, but hey I like to follow my heart. Have never regretted any of my decisions or actions. Have made many stupid and crazy decisions but only one is which I will regret all my life. Well yeah made my life tougher by each and every one of them but that's the thrill of living. You live once and live it to the fullest. No looking back.

Another glorious five+ years. Had a blast. Worked on some interesting brands. Met some interesting people. Made new relationships and strengthened bonds. But when it's time to move on, one just knows. And that’s what struck me last week. It was time for me to move on and grow. Also, to earn more :-)

So much has changed and yet remained the same over past decade. Suddenly from being in my 20's am now in my 30's. Most of my friends are married and have kids. Things change so much, but when we guys catch up, we still talk the same unintelligent and nonsensical things. Then with wives and kids we are a different animal.

Hmm Marriage! Wow. What a topic! Finally, I got married to my girlfriend of almost eight years. We started dating in 1996 and got married in 2004. Not all the years were great. Yes, like any couple, we did have our share of disagreements and also a couple or maybe more of split-ups. Marriage is a different ballgame, though am married for 7 years. Amazing isn't it :-)? - I don't think any man can say he is an expert in marriages. Marriage changes everything. Expectations, Responsibility, Relationships etc. So weird. I still do not get it why it should change things, specially if one has been with another for so long. Arranged Marriages - one can understand. Anyways, maybe another post on Relationships.

In 2007 we became parents. My! What a feeling holding your new born child 5 minutes after she was born. I asked the nurse, “what do I do with her” and she said, “she's your daughter go figure”. I had this pruney little things in my hand and she purred like a kitten. Staring at me with her small beady eyes, and a smile on her face. We named her Giannah, which means GOD’s Grace. Why Giannah? Well my parents believe in birth time etc and our pundit gave us 2 alphabets - G & S. Couldn't find a nice Indian name that was not common, so I decided to explore Italian, Greek and Spanish names. My first preference was Gabriella, after the great Gabriella Sabatini. But all thought it was too western. Second option was Selena - My wife shot it down saying all would call her Celina. I mean so what!!! Celina is gorgeous. So Giannah was the third option and everyone agreed. She's 3yrs and 7 months now. Has had her own share of 'experiences'. All was well till she somehow developed asthma around May this year. Broke her right arm in August. That was scary because she couldn't move it and we rushed her to the hospital at 1030pm. But the worst was yet to come. In October she came down with some viral infection, which in turn became pneumonia and again major asthma attack. Those 10 days were harrowing. I wish no parent has to ever go through it. Giannah was admitted in the hospital, and it killed me to see her on oxygen and needles sticking in her. The hospital was my base for 10 days. Didn't care about work just about my little angel. Two-and-half months since then, she's as healthy as she can be. No asthma attacks but the occasional sniffles. Due for a checkup this month and am not worried about it because she is hale and hearty.

So back to the present. Soon I will be jobless. This time not too concerned. I know I am good, and there will be a mad rush for companies to hire me. ;-) no no, I am not overconfident.

Can't wait for the 21st of Jan'11. Then a 10-day break. After almost 10 and half years :-)

Oh and almost forgot. Fell in love this decade. No better feeling. Even better than holding my new born baby. And I also started running. But I have another blog on my running feats. Just to keep it short. I started in 2008 because I touched 96kgs and also got into a bet. By november of the same year I was down to 78. No diet. Nothing. Just running. Now I am 82kgs. Have not run in almost 6 months. But I will start and aim to better my 10Km time of 52mins 30secs in May at the Sunfeast 10K. My longest run to date has been 27Km non-stop. Longest run-walk was 50Km. Fastest half marathon 21.1Km 2hrs 3 mins.

Hope you enjoyed this. Please feel free to leave comments.