Joke of the Day - General Mayhem

Joke Of The Day

A four-star general was confined to a military hospital for treatment of a malady.

For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately.

One afternoon an orderly entered the room. "Time to take your temperature, General," the orderly said.

After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer.

"Sorry, General, but for this test, we need your temperature from the other end," the orderly explained.

A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for.

The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed. The orderly then told the general, "Stay exactly like that, and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you."

An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped, "What's going on here?"

"Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" the general barked.

"Yes, I have, General, but with a daffodil?"

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Thought Of the Day - Old Feelings

It's time to let go of old feelings we no longer have a use for. Those feelings might include regret over a path not taken, anger at someone who betrayed us, sadness over someone who let us down. While we're at it, we should let go of self-doubt, guilt over a poor choice or an error in judgment, and jealousy of someone who we think is better than us at something. When we finally shed all of these useless emotions, then we - the dazzling, enchanting, interesting WE - will be free to reach for a dream that is waiting for the real us to make an appearance.

Joke of The Day - Kiss and Tell

Joke Of The Day

A tough-looking group of bikers were out riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped.

The leader, a big, burly man, got off his bike and said, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she replied sadly.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity, so he said, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So she did, and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss.

After she finished, the biker said, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you're wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

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Thought of The Day - Surprises

Some days bring us surprises. Some days bring us revelations. And some days... well, actually, all days bring us something that we weren't expecting. The discoveries may be big or small. They may vary in apparent importance according to the way in which we react. In one frame of mind, it is all too easy to brush off something big as if it were a minor incident - and vice versa. But if we feel that what we need in our life is an awakening, an innovation or a new and inspiring possibility, then we just need to try looking a little harder for it.

Joke of The Day - Camera

Joke Of The Day

Two guys are chatting in their hospital beds.

"What are you in for?" one asks.

"Camera down the throat," the other replies.

"Oh, endoscopy?" the first one asks.

"Yes," he says, "Checking for stomach cancer. What about you?"

"Camera up the ass," he replies.

"Oh, colonoscopy? Checking for bowel cancer?"

"No, my wife caught me taking a photo of our neighbor sunbathing."

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Joke of the Day - Geography Question

Joke Of The Day

The teacher of the school geography class was lecturing on map reading. 

After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher said: "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude. Where would I be eating?"

After a confused silence, little Johnny put up his hand and replied: "My guess is you'd be eating alone!"

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Thought Of The Day - Pressure

If we're under pressure to make a choice we don't want to make, or someone is prodding us to take sides when we don't feel comfortable doing so, then we need to emotionally distance ourselves from the situation. We do like to please others. So as simple as this sounds, it's not easy for us. We're very compassionate and empathic people, but we have to face the fact that we can't make everyone happy. As soon as we accept this fact, it may be easier for us to follow our own heart when it comes to making that choice or deciding not to take sides. We just need to be kind, fair, honest to ourselves, and we'll be fine.