Thought Of The Day - Moments

Thought Of The Day - Moments

When we stop to think about how lucky we are to be alive, and how short our time tends to be, it becomes clear that every moment is too precious to waste. Yet some moments just don't feel so special. All we can think about are our troubles, our obligations or our reasons to feel resentful. Even worse are the moments when we feel full neither of something good nor something bad. We just feel somehow flat or empty. When such times come, we must let them go. And remind ourselves of what life can feel like at its best.

Confidence and Insecurity... or the lack of it

I have been thinking about this for quite a while ... say for about 25 years now. Hey am not old, it's just that over the past 33 years I've gone through experiences that most people will never go through in an entire lifetime! And I still do have my entire life ahead of me.

I have been trying to figure out what saps one’s confidence. No, have not read about it or discussed it with anyone, it's just my observation over the years and by meeting people from all walks of life and background. No, I have not studied psychology, I tend to read people better than others and this has definitely helped me in my work; trying to anticipate the next move of a client or a person. But what really baffles me is that I am still unable to predict the people who are close to me. When I say close, I mean emotionally. I'm stunned by their actions / reactions over and over again. People say love is blind, but that's not true; one immediately knows when they're is in love. In fact, being in love is an eye-opener of sorts. There is a big difference in being in love with someone and loving someone. But many can't differentiate the 2 and struggle with it. Maybe we can discuss that later. It's emotions that really blind us. And the feeling of being obligated that makes us weak and insecure.

Seriously! What’s wrong with me? I start on a topic and soon I'm discussing something that's not directly connected.

So, back to the topic of my post on Confidence & Insecurity. Everyone is born alike. Like I mentioned in a previous post of mine, we obviously can't choose the family we are born into, it just happens.

Personally, I feel its one’s upbringing and family that plays an important role in the confidence department and not so much the reaction to the situation they are in. The situation just acts as a catalyst or moment of truth where one’s confidence and insecurity really comes to test. I've noticed that men/women who hail from orthodox or conservative families tend to have lower self-esteem compared to others than have had more freedom to express themselves in their families. No, I'm not hinting at any particular religion or sect; lack of confidence is religion agnostics. It's not always the alpha male in the family, but any authority figure, mothers or siblings and even close relatives, who adds to one’s belief that he/she lacks confidence or is inferior. However, it just complicates things if the said authority figure is also successful in his or her business/professional life.

If there is an overly dominant figure in the house, a child tends to be less self-expressive and insecure, too scared to say or do anything against the 'norm'. The child always thinks a million times before doing anything and mostly ends up giving in to everything without any opinion. In such households, if the kid goes against the 'norm', he could be termed as 'rebellious'. I've known quite a few rebels but they are highly unconfident and insecure about themselves. They use aggressiveness to hide their lack of confidence. 

It impacts both men and women, but it's us guys who suffer the most!

As we grow, we experience a lot of different situations. If it works out for us, we pat ourselves on our back and self-acknowledge the great job we did. But if the situation gets bad, what do we do? Blame the situation? I don't think we usually accept that we screwed up. Very few people own up to their follies and take responsibility for their actions and not blame it on the stars, or sigh in regret thinking, “in hindsight…”! Those, in my opinion, are the confident ones. By the way 'hindsight' is always 20/20. It is easy to analyse a situation afterwards, but not think through in advance, without realising the extent of damage it can cause later on. And then what do we do? Cry about the situation and say there was nothing else we could do. When in reality we could have done something that made us happy but because of our insecurity and obligations we chose not to and end up suffering instead.

Why can't we just stand up and take responsibility for our actions? What are we scared off? And why must we do things out of obligations to others and further make ourselves feel less confident, weak and insecure. Why must we look for excuses? For how long should we let people take advantage of us? When should we stop being obligated to others? Why should we sacrifice ourselves over and over again? Why must we let other's insecurities sap us of our confidence?

Questions that only you can answer for your own self.

People from orthodox, conservative families with an authority figure tend to be less confident than people from more open families. If we cannot express ourselves while growing up, it's not going to be easy to express ourselves when we become adults. And it affects us more when the father is successful and stern. This has a negative impact on the child, especially on the son. Tough trying really hard to match the reputation or success of the father, I've not seen too many sons take up their father’s business and really grow it as their fathers did. They always live in the shadow thinking they will never be like their fathers. And at the same time they also sap everybody’s confidence around them with their insecurity and inferiority complex. And then these guys try to dominate their spouses and make life a living hell. Dumb asses! Why must we compare ourselves to anyone? Specially with our fathers? And then beat ourselves up for having successful fathers?

I've noticed that people who think they lack confidence always tend to sacrifice their happiness for the sake of others and always think that they are obligated to anyone and everyone because they feel they are inferior. They are always doing things to please others even if they don’t want to or it comes at the cost of their happiness. At the same time they tend to forget and notice that they have everything they need right under their nose and in their moment of weakness due to the lack of confidence and obligation, they lose out on love, joy and happiness. But as they say, better late than never! So what are you waiting for? Go and take action. Now!

So am I confident, secure and strong? Or not?! Of course I am. I have taken responsibility of each and every action of mine. And have so far never shirked my responsibility. Yes I grew up with a very successful father and my mother was the authority figure in my family. In my teens, I did lack confidence and felt inferior, but finally just over a decade ago, I made peace with myself and stopped comparing myself to my father or with anybody else. I stopped blaming my situation too. Similarly I don't think twice about asking anyone for advice, support or help if I feel I may not be able to manage alone. It does not make me feel low about myself, in fact I feel stronger, secure and confident by having the ability to approach people.

Remember! We have the ability and capability; it's just that we need someone to help us regain it. And that someone is YOU!

My confidence building song - We're Gonna Win by Bryan Adams. Lyrics.

Some Confidence building tips: 

1. First and foremost kill the negative internal voice that keeps nagging us and empower yourself. Think Positive and Good about yourself. If there’s a test or a new business pitch, think that you have already passed it and won it. Failure is just an added step to success. Never say never. I used to always think that I’m not good enough. So when I failed I was like ’i knew it, i’m useless'. But since I started thinking I can do it or have done it, things just start to flow easily. 
2. We Lose 100% of an opportunity that we do not go for. There’s always a First Time for everything so do not shy away. So think through every opportunity that comes by. Weigh the pros and cons. When in doubt Confide in others. Find a Mentor. The past few months have been the worst ever for me. But I let go of my ego and confided in a couple of my closest friends. And now, I’m stronger than ever and have taken some bold steps. 
3. Walk with your Head Held High, Back Straight and Make Eye Contact with people and not with a cowered stance/look. Always have a Smile on your face no matter what. Look in the mirror everyday and tell your self ‘I am confident’. No fidgeting. It’s not only mental but physical too. I used to hunch, avoid eye contact and felt miserable about myself. Now, I have a smile on my face no matter what and walk with a confident gait. 
4. Focus on what you like and who you are, your feelings and emotions. Don’t bend yourself to others' whims and fancies. Your self-esteem is most important. Don’t let anyone put you down. They are just jealous. For years I would listen to others when I wanted to take up something and would always receive a feedback that I’m not good enough or cannot achieve it. Now, I just tell them what I want to do and don't wait for negative comments. 
5. Prepare. Prepare. Prepare. If you do not succeed at least you know you gave it your all. Then go and give it another shot and then another and another... till you succeed. If you are not prepared you will never succeed and be confident. If I pitch for a business and do not get it, I learn from it and prepare myself better for the next one. 
6. Don’t aim for the stars. Breakdown your end goal into Smaller Steps and Reward yourself at each milestone. Simple! Learn to walk before you run. 
7. Compare yourself to yourself and Not Others. Your self confidence depends on you and your needs, not others. Be True to yourself. Stand up and defend yourself. I only try to better myself. It’s like long-distance running or playing golf. You only have to compete with your past best and better it. 
8. Throw your hat over the wall and Challenge Yourself. Do not get too comfortable and cozy. Break out of your comfort zone. I was in a very comfortable zone in Bombay but was unhappy and unsatisfied. So, I took up the challenge and moved to Bangalore 8 years ago. 
9. Give time to yourself everyday. Meditate, Exercise, Relax. Pamper yourself. Love yourself. Listen and Talk to yourself. Till April’08 I had never run more than 3km non-stop and always had a mental block for running. From May’08 - July’08 I struggled crossing 5Km. I made some mental alteration and within 5 weeks hit 20Km. 
10. There is Nothing to Fear but fear itself. For 23 years I did not eat raw tomatoes, had a block against it in my head. Finally in June’10 I picked one up and ate it and now I love it. 
11. Visualise. If unsure, put yourself in another’s shoes and imagine how they would react to do a task. I have a couple of idols. Whenever I’m at a crossroad I think about what my idols would do. 
12. Improve your Social Skills and think outward not inward. Expand your Horizon and make friends outside your normal circle. I joined a running club and was amazed by meeting people from all walks of life. It gave a new meaning to my life. And I can’t wait to run with them weekly/fortnightly. 
13. Pick up a Hobby of Interest to You and not necessarily another’s. I like running hence I run. Tried getting my wife into it but she hates it. So, she goes for dance classes. We both are happy as we get our space to do our own things and don't have to do everything together. 
14. Take Responsibility for your actions. When I screw up, I admit it and don’t make excuses for what I did or did not do. If I have to take a tougher route I take it because that will make me happy. Not my father or my wife.
15. Learn from and Help others. No greater feeling when you can lift another person up. Knowledge is second to none. One can only gain from it. So learn from anyone and everyone. It could be your child, your boss or even a total stranger. And when we help others, we not only lift them up but our spirits too. 
16. You Do Not have to be Perfect all the time. If we all could make something perfect there would be no need to make a new product. Life is a search for excellence. We need to keep pushing ourselves.

Cheers!

Relationships & Obligations - What are they all about?

I have been thinking about this one for a while now. I also jotted down some points but I guess I am just going to type away! I doubt if you can actually plan or strategize what to write on a topic like Relationships.

What are relationships all about? I mean, we have so many different relationships. I equate it to PR (but another post on that one). Which relationship is more important? How do we prioritise them? Does it depend on how one is related through birth / marriage? Or the number of years one knows another person? Or is it based on the simple factor of how one connects with another?

This post is my personal view and I am sure many, if not all, might not agree with it. What's good for one is not necessarily good for the other. And I am not forcing my view on anyone here. I'm not one to judge either. Why should I judge anyway?

For me, relationships are of utmost importance. Whatever they maybe! My relationships are based on how I connect with people. Simple! They are for life. I may not be in regular contact with people but my relationships have stood the test of time and do not diminish.

They say we are born in bondages, and I agree! When we take birth, we are in relationships we did not choose or opt for. They are like automatic transitions. They are thrust upon us. Not that this makes them insignificant but they usually have their own set of pre-set expectations that we have to keep up to. Like it or not! Absolutely unfair! Because we live for ourselves not others. Why must we sacrifice ourselves for others or society? And get sacrificed by others for no fault of ours?

Then as we grow – at school, college, university, workplace – we choose most of the relationships we want to keep. Of course, marriage is one of the most crucial choices you make for yourself. Though even in marriage, some relationships you choose, and some come along with. And most of the times, they go hand-in-hand. We choose one and then another or many others are just added on to our sleeves. For e.g. we make a friend and they get a companion, or at work a new person comes in. Or for that matter when we get married. New relationships are formed, to our liking or not, with the ones we choose.

At times, we can’t just wish the new relationship away or avoid it. Or, do we cut old relationships for new ones? E.g one gets married and then stops communicating with friends for whatever reasons, isn't it mind-boggling? If a spouse/partner specifically asks us to cut contact, are we obligated to them?

I’ll give you another example: You want to marry a person but the family is not accepting it? What do you do? How do you prioritize? Now imagine, if one or both were married or involved. What would you think? Immoral, wrong, selfish etc. But do we know the truth of the matter to decide or judge? Definitely not! It's not as simple as A is cheating on B. Or that C came in between A & B. Have we bothered digging deeper or are we going by what we read or hear? Until and unless we are not in that person’s shoes, we will never understand it so we should not judge. Period!

Or, if a person is divorced and marries again, doesn't he/she still have a relationship with his/her ex or their family? What if they have kids? Well, these relationships just don't go away. We are not obligated but we do still have some responsibility towards them, don’t we?

Why are humans so complicated? Why do we have to judge others without knowing or being in the position what the other is in?

I know someone who recently was, how do I put it nicely, left to his/her own devices by another. We can judge the other by saying they didn't do the right thing or call them names. But we should also think from the other person’s perspective. What could possibly be the reason? On the surface it may look like that it’s all their fault and it’s terrible to do something like that with a person, but if we try to understand the person it may just change our perception about the person. O.K., I could be partial as I know one side of the story pretty well and my heart goes out to them and I strongly feel it was heart-breaking. But then, I have understood or tried to understand the other person’s perspective too. I may not be happy with the situation but I'm O.K. with it. Yes, I feel deeply for the affected person and at times that has clouded my judgment. Relationships change our perception of others.

What happens to a relationship between two people in love and one for whatever reason, family or society, one gets married to another person altogether? Where does that leave the other party? Does it means that there is no more relationship between them? Does it all just disappear into thin air?

A husband/wife will never accept the past relationship of their spouse even if the spouse has made a huge sacrifice for them. They will never truly accept the truth and appreciate the sacrifice.

Some say that the husband-wife bond is the most important. Some say parent-child bond is most important. So where does that leave our other relationships? Does it make them any less important?

For me, no! They all are equally important. Well it actually differs from situation to situation. Factors like which relationship needs you the most or you need the most. O.K., this does not mean that all you married people go and start an affair or anything and blame it on me! It just means that at different times different relationships are more important than the others. I'd give my life for some of my friends. I'd go out of the way for them even if I have to suffer. But that does not mean I will neglect my family. I have some responsibility towards them but am not obligated to them.

I was dating my wife for almost 8 years before we got married. Though of a different religion that of mine, had my parents asked me not to marry her and marry someone from the community, I don't think I would have done that. I do not have to live with my parents for the rest of my life. Or care 2 hoots about what society says. We all know they all have skeletons in their closets. But yes, I do have some responsibility towards them but no obligation and does it mean I have to sacrifice my happiness for them? Definitely not! I'm not obligated to them for having taken care of me while I grew up. But hey, they had to! It is their responsibility like how now I have mine! And likewise, when they grow old, taking care of them will be my responsibility. I'm not going to desert them.

Or if tomorrow my wife and I are not together that does not imply I have no relationship with her or my in-laws. Or if I get married again, it does not mean the other person was responsible for what went wrong between us!

My most important relationship is with MYSELF. If I cannot have a truthful relationship with myself then all other relationships do not matter. For no matter what, we cannot break off the relationship with our own selves. Maybe in the past I have not given enough importance to myself but now I do. If I'm unhappy then everyone around me will also be unhappy. If I feel something is not working out for me, I will first try to change myself but if I'm not comfortable with it then I have to do something about the situation.

My FIRST and FOREMOST relationship is with MYSELF. And will always think about myself first. But that does not make me selfish. Or maybe it does. But I couldn’t care less!

Here’s to Relationships – all sorts, sizes and stories!

Cheers!